Missing Person Alert
SSUED BY: The Sanchez Sideline Report
CASE NUMBER: 0-2-SEC
MISSING: The Defensive Rebound (a.k.a. "The Box Out," a.k.a. "Ending the Possession")
LAST SEEN:
Wandering aimlessly during the non-conference "Cupcake Tour" (Nov-Dec 2025). Was briefly spotted leaving the arena in Baton Rouge before vanishing completely against Kentucky and Vanderbilt.
DESCRIPTION:
Appearance: Round, orange, leather-textured. Usually found in the hands of an opposing player who is simply standing closer to the basket than anyone in purple.
Height: Approximately 6-foot-5 (coincidentally the height of the Kentucky players who currently have custody of it).
Distinctive Features: Extremely allergic to LSU jerseys. Has a tendency to bounce long, directly into the hands of a Vanderbilt guard who is wide open for a second-chance three.
SUSPECTS:
The "We Can Just Jump High" Strategy: A known con artist that convinced the Tigers they didn't need to put a body on anyone because gravity doesn't apply to them.
14 Vanderbilt Offensive Boards: A gang of unauthorized possessions that terrorized the paint last week.
The Rim: Currently acting as a double-agent, rejecting MiLaysia Fulwiley’s layups and sending the rebounds directly to the opposition.
IF FOUND:
Do NOT attempt to catch it with one hand while looking at the scoreboard.
Please return immediately to Coach Kim Mulkey. She is currently standing on the sideline with her arms crossed so tightly she might cut off her own circulation.
REWARD:
One (1) rare, non-disappointed nod from Kim Mulkey.
A timeout in the final minute of a close game (subject to availability).
Flau’jae Johnson’s missing stats from the Vanderbilt game.
CONTACT:
1-800-BOX-OUT
(If a 6-foot-5 center answers, hang up. It’s too late.)
